Dear loves,
Yesterday a daughter was talking about planning her mother’s funeral now that her mother had passed.
“No one has ever said, “I know too much. I wish I didn’t know what song she wanted played at her funeral, or where her passwords are.””
In the two years after the fall that catapulted her mother into rapid aging, her mother didn’t want to talk about what was to happen next. It was something they avoided.
And now the daughter sits here, ultimately deciding to play her mom’s favorite song. And still not knowing where the passwords are.
What do you, with an aging parent, wish you knew? What would bring ou comfort, guidance, or reassurance?
While everyone is in relative health, you might start to ask questions. This can happen over time or all in one sitting.
- Do you have a will, and if so, where is it? The will often indicates their wishes for a funeral and burial. As well as their wishing for a burial or cremation.
- Where do you envision you’d like to spend your final weeks? This might be in their home, in yours, or in a hospice facility.
- What do you think happens next? Will you reunite with loved ones who have died? Will you go to heaven? Will you be reincarnated? How wonderful it is to be able to carry this vision with you.
- What is your wish for how we might mourn, honor, and celebrate you? This is especially important if your loved one isn’t part of a church or temple. Don’t let them get away with “nothing.” Dig a little deeper, and offer some options.
- Is there a particular song you’d like us to sing, a verse or poem you’d like us to read? Something that has always been meaningful to you, perhaps? Often we hear songs or readings at other funerals that resonate with us.
- Is there anything you’d love to do before your time comes? Can you help get your loved one to the ocean one more time, or their childhood home? Or maybe they’d love to be in the presence of their siblings or grandchildren again?
- Looking around your home, what brings you the most joy? If they end up moving to a hospice home, this might be something to bring.
For those who will become executors of an estate, in addition to having access to the will, the answers to these questions might be helpful.
- Who has done your taxes in the last few years?
- Is there a list of all of your accounts somewhere? Sleuthing through mail and email isn’t the most productive way to learn this. Ask about safe deposit boxes while you’re at it.
- And where, oh where, do you keep the passwords?
This may feel clinical. However, if you enter with love, kindness, and empathy, these kinds of conversations often deepen relationships. The father who worries about being a burden might be able to rest in knowing he helped to lessen what his child will carry. An aunt might be touched that she could share memories about her parents’ funerals – including a song she’d love to be part of hers – is comforted in knowing they’ll be reunited.
with great love for your life,
for those dying, and
for those who care for them,
kristin