Category: talking about death

Dear loves, The movie The Big Chill opens with the song You Can’t Always Get What You Want by the Rolling Stones, which overlays scenes of a funeral.  This has long been my funeral song (and one of my favorite movies). The chorus of the song goes like this.  You can’t always get what you…

Dear loves,  I have held onto a letter from Brent’s mother for over 30 years. I’ve lost countless random things in that time – umbrellas, sunglasses, jackets – but I have never misplaced this letter.  Brent was a really good friend of mine during a particularly dark time in my life (otherwise known as high…

Dear loves,  I attended a memorial service for 59 emergency medical service providers this weekend, all of whom died in the line of service. I noticed through their individual tributes that they were unified not just by their profession, but more so, their priorities: they loved their families, they were deeply connected to their communities,…

Dear loves, Yesterday a daughter was talking about planning her mother’s funeral now that her mother had passed. “No one has ever said, “I know too much. I wish I didn’t know what song she wanted played at her funeral, or where her passwords are.”” In the two years after the fall that catapulted her…

Dear loves,  One of Tom’s last decisions was to hire someone to care for him when he no longer could. That person was Irina. Irina had been a doctor in her birth country of Russia, and she had cared for two people in Tom’s circle as they were dying. Irina became quickly familiar and invaluable…

Dear loves, It was amazing to be alongside someone so very ready for it, death that is. At times Tom was deeply frustrated that it didn’t happen as fast as he wished, which he certainly took up with his doctors and hospice nurse. But then one day, about eight weeks after he stopped any treatments,…

Dear loves, I’ve been thinking about birthdays and how long is long enough to have lived a long life. When Tom was about 80 he was diagnosed with cancer. He opted into a light course of treatment. And after, as best as he could, he carried on with his vibrant, active life of traveling and…

Dear loves,  This word has been popping up frequently in describing me. Gentle.  It’s not a word I would have used to describe myself. Gentle.  And I’m honored by it.  How does one speak gently about death? One walks in slowly, patiently. One doesn’t rush in. One takes a deep breath before talking. And then…

Dear loves, This weekend I talked about death with a dear friend. And I spoke honestly. Honestly, in that, I’ve only just started sharing the actual thoughts in my mind. I have spent decades walking gingerly, saying just the right things that would keep people comfortable. In other words, lying.  She spoke about her worry…

Dear loves, My stepfather had cancer. A rare form with terrible odds. Thankfully he also had a small and very close support group of families facing the same diagnosis. They rallied for trials, they celebrated extra months and mourned one another’s deaths, and they shared one particularly helpful resource. This book.  Final Gifts: Understanding the…