Dear loves,
It was amazing to be alongside someone so very ready for it, death that is. At times Tom was deeply frustrated that it didn’t happen as fast as he wished, which he certainly took up with his doctors and hospice nurse. But then one day, about eight weeks after he stopped any treatments, everything sped up, and he went from dusting his blinds and getting his own groceries to needing 24-7 care.
During this time I was instructed to call the funeral home and pre-order the box his cremated remains would go in. He’d shuffle about the apartment, pointing to artwork and knickknacks, and tell me who should get what. He introduced me to his attorney, and the realtor he suggested I use to sell his place. This was a man still alive, working through his ultimate “to do list.”
His list also included what he didn’t want, especially in his last two weeks. No clergy were to visit him, including his close friends who were also men of the cloth. My sister and mother weren’t to visit either. He didn’t want anyone to see him like he was. He wanted everyone to remember him as they knew him before the rapid decline.
In all honestly, I felt frozen in those moments, caught between respecting Tom’s literal final wishes, and also being deeply empathetic to his closest friends and family who wanted to say one more hello and a final goodbye.
Ultimately I honored Tom’s wishes above all others, as hard as it was.
Let’s make sure we do not wait to tell our loved ones what they mean to us, okay?
with great love for your life,
for those dying, and
for those who love them,
kristin